You Know that You're a Mother When...

By: Debbie Farmer

This may come as a shock to you, but becoming a mother has little to do with having a baby. Now some of you out there might disagree with this theory. In fact some of you are probably sitting there right now trying to contain yourself from shouting, "Yeah, well, that's what you think, Lady. I have a three inch scar and the all of the stretch marks to prove it!" But the fact of the matter is, despite all those lessons in self-relaxation and deep breathing techniques, true motherhood comes after giving birth. Waaaaaay after.  In fact, no one can pinpoint exactly when it happens. Despite what you may think, there's no special theme music that will signal you to throw your arms out to your sides and announce to the world "I am a real mother now!" You just go about your business changing diapers and wiping noses until one day you find yourself doing all sorts of things you'd never ever imagine doing and, wah-la, you've become a bonafide mother.  Now, if you're like me, you're thinking that there must be a better system than this. And you're right. So you will be happy to know that, after spending several mornings roaming the park playground interrogating parents, I've come up with a few milestones that are signs that you've, indeed, become a true mother. They are:

You catch spit up with your hands... on purpose.
Your kitchen cupboards are crammed full of recycled plastic Easter eggs.
You get phone messages written with purple crayon that say "kzzrg 23".
You're bored going out to lunch with your successful childless friends because all they want to talk about is current events and national politics instead of more stimulating topics like, say, why does breast milk poo poo look so much like gourmet mustard?
You clean a pacifier by sucking off the dirt with your lips.
At the playground you mean to say things like, "Come here, Sweetie. It's time to go home now," but all that comes out is, "You stop now go here."
You have lost all modesty.
You learn to sleep while propped up on the sofa with both eyes open pretending to watch your child sing karioke to the songs on the Chipmunk's Christmas album.
You buy clothes embroidered with friendly barnyard animals.
You consistently see the world from a height of four feet (and you enjoy it!).

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